music has charms to soothe a savage beast.: December 2006

blurry-eyed, light-headed, ~~oily-faced.~~

no fuck. i washed my face.

3.30am.

after hours of staring into scopes and waiting for someone to jump into it, i'm back in my room, facing my glaring laptop. i think my eyes are about to burn up or something.

i'm still sick; doctor said i don't have much of a flu. he said i have bronchitis. yes, wtf is right!

the new medicine he gave hardly helps either, but i think its strong stuff, because i'm only supposed to take it twice a day.

oh well.

maybe.

it is a good time to start doing some work.

i have to lah, before sleeping.

oh and i guess my wound isn't that bad anymore.

i wonder how so much blood came out of that shithole.

anyhow.

work.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 3:27 AM

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fitful sleeping sucks most.

because i'm sick, i cannot turn on my air conditioner. i'm relying on a fan to keep me feeling cool in the night.

my blanket isn't really a blanket. its a comforter. the really thick one. yeah. so if i put that on with only a fan on, it gets really really hot, especially now, since i'm having a fever.

not to mention, i've got a blocked nose. so one side's always blocked when i'm lying down, and in order to unblock it, i have to turn over in the night. THEN the other side gets blocked. and vice versa.

as if that isn't enough. moreover, i can hardly breathe. by that, i mean that i feel enough air going into my lungs, but not enough's being taken into my body. so i'm extra lethargic and tired all the bloody time.

i loathe these kinds of sleeps the most.

but maybe i'm being kept awake by too many thoughts screaming inside my head for importance.

3 am, still okay
4 am, its getting late
5 am, sleep or don't
6 am, shoot me please.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 6:00 AM

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why am i like that?

why do i have to be so particular about petty things?

i really feel like running my other hand into some glass right now.

i realise the feeling of release i got from punching the glass was quite. relieving. to watch the blood trickle out of the wound, wind around my fingers and hand. there wasn't even any pain.

but unfortunately i'm not allowed to do that anymore.

for you i bleed myself.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 6:09 PM

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it takes just about everything i have to appear okay when you cry.

i hate it.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 11:19 PM

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losing... readershippppp.

the week's been messed.

tears.

laughter.

tears.

sleepless nights.

work.

blood.

more blood.

okay let me elaborate.

its been written communication madness. paragraphs assignment. and then thesis statements and outlines.

and some problems on top of all that.

which of course, caused me to become cranky at the end of the week.

doing things like.

spending $9.50 on lunch at al ameen(sp?) on thursday, despite coughing till my abs hurt.

then on the way to class we visited the loo. i saw the glass on the fire extinguisher, which said 'break for key'. so i uh. pushed it with my thumb. it didn't budge. =(

so i punched it.

WARNING.

**** EXTREMELY GRAPHIC CONTENT AHEAD****

kays.

um. i failed to take the bloodier pics because i was busy taking care of myself. (duh)

i think that's the biggest mistake a photographer can make. to not capture the moment, and instead attend to himself.

selfish. lol.

anyhow.

its alright now. i guess it'll scab pretty soon.

but. BUTBUTBUT.

i am horribly sick. coughing phlegm traced with blood again.

as sean chen put it.

12:52:13 AM seanseansean**@hotmail.com: period ah?
12:52:16 AM seanseansean**@hotmail.com: haha

hey maybe really its period.

so much blood.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 1:35 AM

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why do i feel what am i feeling now?

insecurity.

i read your life daily, and i get really really.. i don't know. sadfaysed.

i hope you don't lose me along the way.

insignificant me.

always.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 2:44 AM

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and you fucker, stop poking your nose into every fucking thing. some matters don't warrant your attention.

fuck. off.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 10:05 PM

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hello. just left school.

typing this in textedit. shall post it when i get home.

i'm in a bus service 74, going home.

alone.

it always ends up this way anyway, and i should learn to get used to it.

there was this conference today, about foreign domestic workers in singapore. some of their accounts were. quite... tragic, to say the least.

i'm so tired. so so tired.

mentally, physically.

why do i have to make my own life like that? i know there are other paths, other choices.

but why do i do this to myself?

then again, maybe its not just me. or maybe its me anyway.

won't somebody do something? i feel horrible.

help me..

please.

***

i'm home now. feeling quite miserable.

its raining and all. not helping a bit.

you said to go to school today so that you could see me.

see what? you didn't even talk to me.

you said you'd prefer that i went to school so that i wouldn't think so much at home.

i went there alone, i went home alone,

and it didn't stop me from thinking.

why do you do such things to me?

and right now, i'm thinking why i'm subjected to all this. you say you care.

fuck.

EVERYONE says they care.

quit lying or giving me false hope. please. it hurts.

i can't go on.

bye.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 7:22 PM

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when i cease to matter enough,

the end will come.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 1:15 PM

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this is fucked up. i am tired of it.

i'm too nice to say anything directly about it, even though im pretty fucked about it.

i don't even know why i'm so pissed.

is it because i don't trust you?

no?

then why?

possessive? yeah probably.

sometimes hiding all these kinds of feelings isn't really good, especially when it all erupts in a fountain of emotion.

i wonder how much more i can take before i snap.

fuck this. fuck you.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 2:31 AM

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alright, it seems i'm home.

tiring. freaking mindblown.

brainpiercings.

heh.

anyhow, moodiness is setting in.

i've been on the comp all night. doing.

god knows what.

nothing. wasting time.

when i can be doing my writcomm assignment.

paragraph outlines to rewrite. fuck.

i feel like running a knife through my skull. i think will be less painful than it is already.

okay a sick image just flashed through my mind.

very much like cherrycake.org.

picture not for the faint-hearted, or stomached.

i rock, put disclaimer after link.

anyway. screw.

cannot think. don't want to think.

bye.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 1:15 AM

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its radio.

lol per just came in and she's like wearing almost nothing.

'per don't you think you need more clothes?'

'oh. ahh yeh..'

lol.

yesterday...

ah wait fuck i can't remember what i did yesterday.

it was. sunday. uh.

oh yeah. i cut my hair. LOL.

then went to plaza sing for dinner with sweetness. thai xprez. then home. and sleep.

i'm playing fallout and fallout 2 at home. damn fun. heeehhhh.

okay i'm running out of battery.

teh-flautist. ewenn @ 3:18 PM

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teh-flautist. ewenn @ 9:45 AM

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